Over a year ago, I decided to spend a portion of my month-long leave on a 3-day Silent Retreat in the mountains of Malaybalay, Bukidnon. 

From a burnt out just-turned-second-year resident still reeling from The January 2022 COVID Surge, I rediscovered my Purpose, and had a profound sense of rejuvenation.

Not only was I recovering from the ongoing challenge of Residency, I realized that retreat was also an attempt to recover from the crazy turn my life took as I found myself leaving the Community and going back to the Hospital Life. 

The Community to Hospital transition was too abrupt for any meaningful Closure on my end. It felt like closing a book in the middle of a chapter, and not knowing when it will be picked up again. Like walking away, and not knowing if I will find myself walking the same path again.

In one of my musings, I asked myself a difficult question,

The answer, I belatedly realized has always been

Di naman tunay na nawala ang #KwentongCommunity

You see, more than a collection of short stories, anecdotes, and Maryan feelings, #KwentongCommunity was a safe space of self-expression – something I always find difficult to do.

As someone who very often fakes confidence, I found Writing as a viable channel for self-expression – without having to worry about being scrutinized!

On particularly bad days and even the good ones, I would write about how I felt, and I didn’t have to worry about getting my grammar right, or making my handwriting legible, or policing my thoughts into kinder words when I’m angry. I didn’t have to worry if I was saying too much. Or not saying enough. I just sit down with my thoughts and write.

But there are also times when you read something you wrote a long time ago, and you acknowledge the Wisdom of your past self that is very much applicable in the present. Similarly, every time I gather the Courage to press the Publish button, and allow for Vulnerability to take over, I find myself at the receiving end of People’s “Thank You”

“Thank you for writing about this,”, “Thank you for expressing what I couldn’t”, or “Thank you for sharing these reflections.” 

I’ve always looked at Writing as a selfish personal endeavor. It’s all about me, me, me. But once it is shared to the World, we really have no control over how people appreciate, interpret, or even experience our words.

And so I dare write about my experiences time and again because I find great fulfillment in allowing myself to process, through words, everything I have the privilege of taking part in.

And if this processing sometimes asks me to be a little bit more vulnerable, I do so willingly… and unselfishly.

Because sometimes, Life has a funny way of helping us realize how far we have grown! And for the month of October, it led me to pick up a figurative book, continue a chapter that was left hanging, and retrace my steps leading me back to the Community!

And in the briefest of time, I was reminded yet again what made me fall in love in the first place.

Life was simple

Life in the Community was simple then, and it continues to be simple now – and we find genuine joy in this Simplicity.

Amidst the noise of our busy lives, the Community remains as a safe Haven for introspection and self-reflection

And at this point, I will realize, sometimes, when I speak of “Community”, I do not speak of a physical place. Rather, I find myself talking about an Experience being in the Community allows me to have – a momentary disconnection from beeps of machines telling us we are perpetually running out of time. And I will pause to acknowledge that indeed, Community is also a Place. A place where a doctor is allowed to take their time with patients. To laugh. To listen to stories. To tell them. To be Human.

The Community holds its own Challenges, I’ve learned. But it also holds its own Peace.

Food always tastes amazing

A habit I have picked up from years of medical training that I have a hard time challenging is the ability to eat in 5 minutes. Food is food, and the physical act of consuming it can be pragmatically shortened to optimize productivity. Like a robot programmed to eliminate human inefficiency.

But we are Humans, not Robots! The Human Experience is enriched by many things, one of those is Food! And in the Community, the act of eating is a sacred bond – “Dok, kape po kayo.” “Dok, meryenda muna.” “Dok, tikman niyo po gawa ko.”

Savoring every flavor is a must, not a sin! And Bataan is home to such delectable cuisine and stunning cafes!

I was even introduced to a Danish word that is now a favorite!

More than eating delicious food, I am also extremely privileged to be sharing them with amazing company!

The Kids are Healthy

A weirdo Pedia thing we do is believing that we have the authority to talk to or even at times carry random children in public. It takes great mental effort to remind myself that this is indeed not normal people behavior HAHA

The desire to take care of children made itself known to me early in life. I’ve always known I wanted to be a Pediatrician. I love talking to children, playing with them, and spending time with them.

Being in the Community has allowed me to spend an extra time with Children outside the hospital setting. And I have learned never to take for granted the sight of healthy children running around and just enjoying their childhood, doing what they were meant to do as kids.

People in the Community are exemplars of Generosity

I was witness to people “giving without counting the cost” in the Community. In one of my patient encounters, a lola in her late seventies brought out her purse after our consult, emptied it of its contents, and handed all of the coins in her hand. “Dok, imo ni,” (“This is for you”). I smiled to hide the tears about to fall, and asked her to keep the money. She will need more for her x-ray. I promised her that as soon as the expected multivitamins will arrive in our RHU, we will deliver them straight to her house so she would not have to walk far. When the meds arrived, we found out that this lola already passed on.

In the Community, I never had to worry about going hungry because people readily shared what they had.

In my short-lived stint as a Community doctor, I received fresh-picked fruits, vegetables, and even a live chicken from patients!

Ang Community ay tunay na nakakataba….ng puso!

Life and Play strike a blissful balance

This month also saw me having a surplus of free time previously not available to me. And because we have already established that I am, in fact, a Nerd, I analyzed the trend of What a Maryan Does in Her Free Time, and based on data gathered from previous leaves, pre-duty offs, Golden weekends, etc, the findings are as follows:

I am most likely to spend my free time:

1. With Family
2. With People I Look up to and have some of the best conversations with
3. With Myself

With Family

Last month, I got the rare opportunity of being able to go Home, Home. Even if I spent most of it staying at home, cleaning my Star Wars Collection, and brewing coffee, we did manage to insert a few rounds of bowling! I found out I needed to practice a lot more (HAHA, dami ko time eh)

For old time’s sake, here’s a bit of a Maryan anecdote: My birth month coincided with A LOT of deadlines for graduation, which made my birthday a very busy day. Being me, I decided to call my family, tell them I was moving my birthday the next month, and without objections my family obliged. HAHA

My friends also played along with this request. Which is an amazing testament to how crazy it is that my friends let me rebook my birthday at my convenience HAHAHA.

With People

I discovered early that no matter how much I want to be a Cool Kid, I really am a super Cheesy and Overly-sensitive Kid, and as a true Cheesy and Overly-sensitive Kid, I say this with profound sincerity:

I don’t know what I did right in this life to make me deserve the friends that I am lucky to have. I have the best, most supportive, and wisest friends, and our conversations are always a pleasure to take part in! Being in my friends’ presence alone is highly therapeutic. Like breathing in fresh air atop the greenest mountains with the view of the bluest waters. I know I don’t get to take a lot of photos when I’m with them but that’s just because I consider moments with Friends special. I memorize every detail in my brain and replay them over and over until they become core memories.

In the written words of a Maryan intoxicated with (very little) alcohol and a very generous amount of gratitude:

“Hindi ko rin alam anong nagawa kong tama sa buhay na ito, pero sobra kong saya na nagkakilala tayo – at hindi lang basta nagkakilala, nagkakilala sa ganitong paraan – na para bang pag tumitig ako sayo, nakikita ko ang kalahati ng sarili ko, na para bang gusto kong itanong bakit ngayon lang tayo Tunay na nagtagpo. Salamat sa pagiging ikaw.“

I remember crying a lot during Boards Review Season years back because it wasn’t fair that I had to make a choice between being with friends or being with my family. Now I find myself having to make that choice again. But this time with a more mature perspective knowing full well that my choices in life will be supported by the people I value, and that distance and time will not be able to break bonds that are meant to last (Hay sabi ko diba Cheesy and Overly-sensitive!)

With Myself

When I am not booking flights home, or spending it in exquisite conversations with friends, I mostly spend quality time with myself.

I take photowalks

catch sunsets

and consume Art in its many different forms

In between I do things that keep me sane like read books, meditate, and practice bowling (hahaha! turuan niyo po ako!)

And I realized everything that I want and need are already present in the simple life I am already living. I don’t need much in this Life because I am already Blessed with the best things anyone can ever ask for.

When I was about to end my stint in the Community years back, I had a very specific prayer:

Please allow me to discern Your will for me. Because once I know Your will, even if it’s not easy, even if it’s not what I want or what I’m comfortable with, if you let me know that this is Your will for me, I will gladly choose it. Thy Will be done.

I find myself praying this similar prayer now.

Surrendering, I found out, was not an easy task. If you grew up with years of conditioning believing you always have to be in control, the act of surrender feels so…. Uncomfortable. But when we truly believe that everything that we are – our Wills, our Minds, our Memories – were His first, we will take comfort in the fact that whatever we are sent out to do is one that is Best for us.

In one of my favorite prayers, the lyrics go:

“To ease Your burden brings no pain
To forego all for You is gain
As long as I in You remain
Because You will it, it is best
Because You will it, we are blest
Till in Your hands our hearts find rest”

Over a year ago, I decided to spend a portion of my month-long leave on a 3-day Silent Retreat in the mountains of Malaybalay, Bukidnon. That time, I was thirsting for a very specific thing- REST. I did find rest, and more! I found a sense of Purpose, and a lasting feeling of Peace. The past (almost) three years have been filled with great memories and even greater experiences that molded me into the person that I am today. There will be a lot to figure out but I am at Peace knowing that in His hands, my Heart will find its rest. xxx